The letter I sent to our foster children's Guardian Ad Litem

Dear Marsha,

I know that you don't care. But I feel that I cannot sit still and say nothing while you continue to fight and attempt to slur my family. Most of our life history is in the home study, so I know that you have read that Paul was abused as a child and that I am not speaking to my mother, a situation which unfolded during the time that we fostered M. and K. and certainly affected my outlook on motherhood.
Paul and I became a couple in January 1998. Our first child together was born in November of 1999. In October of 2000, Paul became bedridden with crippling pain. He had been in a car accident as a young man, rear ended by a careless driver, sending him through the windshield of his and his (now ex-) wife's Malibu, and yanked back in by his seat belt. His head, his arms, and his back were torn and bloodied. He was in severe pain, even after the wounds were healed. He was eventually diagnosed with Reflexive Sympathetic Dystrophy, now known as Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome. In the eighties, they were still not sure how to treat this and he ended up addicted to the narcotics that were prescribed for the pain. He went through treatment, and without boring you with the details, his life fell apart. October 2000 was my first experience with the severity of his chronic pain. I pursued every possible avenue of help for him. His doctor recommended therapy as part of treatment. The therapist uncovered the childhood abuse and diagnosed my husband with bipolar disorder. You, as an educated advocate for traumatized children, must have read the ACE study. We now know that severe abuse can manifest in illness. Paul has since had a psychiatric evaluation and found to be in full recovery...I tend to doubt the original diagnosis myself, and believe that his tendency toward pain is partly because of the car accident, and partly because of the childhood trauma. I believe his recovery was due to both our commitment to learn everything we could about being physically and mentally healthy. In the end, he became a vehement advocate for recovery. We were licensed as foster parents in 2001. We have always been up front about our past experiences, believing that the truth catches up with you in the end anyway, and that coming as far as we have with what we have endured is a testament to recovery. We believe people can recover from mental illness and lead full, rich lives.
As I said, I know that you don't care. You are at war with us because we didn't bend to your will a year and a half ago, when you used treatment to coerce an adoption. I know that you and the other members of the team don't believe the truth in what we say about the behaviors that we have seen with M. and K. I know that we are accused of attempting to prolong the process in order to collect more money as treatment parents. I know that we are accused of overreacting and seeing normal childhood behaviors as extreme evidence of diagnoses. I know that you have never been groped by K. or witnessed one of M.'s tantrums, and I believe in my heart that you would never be able to handle the things that I have seen in my home in the past three years, much less endure the kind of treatment we have received at your hands. 
We have an exemplary record as foster parents. I don't know why the records from before 2006 were not turned in to whomever they were to be given to, but I assure you, you will find nothing but good. However. I am at an end. I am in tears as I write this letter (again, not that you care at all)... I am sure someday the children will have words to say to the woman the judge praised today. I am positive that God has little respect for what you are doing. Ambiguous is an interesting word. It's mean. I was torn. It has been an exhausting job, caring for M. and K. Did I want to do it forever, after what I had heard from Dr. Mailloux? I know his report seems innocuous. Did you ask him to tell you his story of trying to adopt an R.A.D. child? (Feel free to forward this on to him). He told us some pretty horrifying things. I would have been a fool not to take them seriously, not to want to reflect on them before saying yes to an adoption. A fool not to question the therapist who told us for two years that the child had no R.A.D., not to question the therapist who told us she had never supported them being in our home in the first place, yet put us through two years of twice weekly appointments. One year ago you wanted us to adopt, and as soon as we said no, that we need to try more therapy to feel confident in making a permanent decision, we became bad people. How is this rational?
I am so tired, Marsha. You have beaten me down. I love my family dearly. I love M. and K. I do not want to make the wrong decision here. I have prayed and prayed for the strength to get through this. I prayed and prayed over the decision of whether or not to adopt. I don't know if you believe in prayer. I do. I struggled. I will admit that freely. In the end, my decision came down to this; M. and K. are loved here. They have made progress here. We know them better than anyone else does. I believe that in our home they will flourish. No matter how hard the job gets to be for me personally, I made the decision to give them what they deserve. To stay in their home. I believe in prayer and I believe that I am making the choice God wants me to make. It wasn't easy...I never will say that it was. I am not a liar, and their behaviors are real, regardless of what the school says. I'm sorry that you don't believe us. I don't know how much more truthful we could be.
Tell me, please, what should I do now? I don't want to quit, but I don't want to fight anymore. I am hurt and I am tired. If you intend to attempt to destroy my life in order to get your way, I think I will go ahead and step aside now. I just don't feel strong enough to do this anymore.

Sincerely,
Alicia Cornils

The kids have been studying the pioneer times for a bit now. We've read and re-read the Little House series, they practically have them memorized. I found a copy of Caddie Woodlawn, and read that to them for a new perspective on the days our country was being built. Their curiosity was still so strong about what that must have been like, I did what I said I'd never do; I checked out the Little House TV series for them to watch.
I always had mixed feelings about the show, even as a kid, because while the characters were lovable and the values so good, they just weren't true to the books. I am such a purist when it comes to my books, I hate for someone to mess with a good story. And my children have inherited that tendency...I thought at best this will be a compare/contrast session, a good test for their memories of what really happened as Laura wrote it (and on a side note, I bought a biography of Laura that tells how even she played with the facts of the story of her life in order to make interesting stories that would fly off the bookshelves).
The experience is turning out to be quite a bit different from what I expected. My first impulse while watching is to giggle; it is really incredibly cheesy, in a way I think only Michael Landon could accomplish. And I'm finding it adorable, my kids are enthralled, and the good values shine through. I'm sorry for being so cynical about it, and amazed to catch myself getting choked up over and over again.
The other thing is, whenever I hear the kids getting critical--"That never happened in the book!"--I realize; this series wasn't only about the experience of Laura Ingalls Wilder; they are telling a tale of pioneer life, and the liberties they've taken reflect the different experiences of many people during that time. I think after all, Laura would be amused, and not mind at all that they made so many changes. And I'm sure Laura would approve of the good old fashioned family values--the show just oozes with love for your neighbor, with a good dose of mischief thrown in to keep it fun.
The only thing that still bothers me is, Jack was a brindle bulldog, not a sheepdog!

October turned into March so quickly. Is time going by too fast for anyone else? I can remember when I was a little girl, thinking everything went so slowly: "When will my birthday evvveerrr get here???" Now, I really wouldn't mind if time slowed down just a little bit. For one thing, my 20th high school reunion is coming up in July. I have not grown up enough yet for it to have been 20 years since I graduated! How can I already be 37 years old?
I've been watching my children too, with the eye of understanding that I'd better start enjoying this, because one day it will be gone. One day I will have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted, and I'm afraid I'll be lonely and wishing for a baby to cuddle, someone to ask me questions and hang on my answers, someone who wants me to bake them cookies or watch them go really, really fast down the sledding hill. Already, I miss those baby days...you know, the ones where you wish you didn't have to get up in the middle of the night and change all those poopy diapers? Well, I don't miss that part so much, but I miss the adoring eyes looking up at me, and the cooing and gurgling that says "I love you most of all." Time goes by just too, too quickly.

Have some time on my hands

Hi out there!
I have been in bed sick for 3 days and I've completely worn through everything to do. I don't want to sleep. There's nothing good to watch, and even "the Facebook" can't interest me. What have you all been up to? Halloween's in 2 days, and the kids are super excited. I've got a banshee, Glenda the Good Witch, The Wicked Witch of the North, a princess, and Tigger to take trick-or-treating. Plus a teenager--that's the one that scares me the most!
We have snow on the ground, finally. It came pretty late this year. Still, not too chilly out; I think it will be one of our warmer Halloweens.
I hope you all are safe and warm and happy, and that everyone enjoys a wonderful Halloween!

For Today

Outside my window...Good day, sunshine! I love Alaska best in the summer.

I am thinking... that I should probably go out and soak up the sun, let my worries float away today.

From the learning rooms... The kids' sponsor teacher just left. I'm so relieved to have that over with...everyone did fine and moving on to the next grades, but these visits always make me tense. It is huge, taking responsibility for their educations, and I feel like I got my grades today, too. (Yay, I Passed!)

I am thankful for... finally having my house back. The new flooring is lighter than what we had before, and really brightens the place up.

From the kitchen... Paul made some pulled pork this weekend, enough to make sandwiches aplenty for the rest of the week. I think I'll teach Taylor to make homemade brownies later today.

I am wearing... jeans, and a flowy, long sleeved, black top.

I am hoping... for some pretty summer weather.

I am praying... that my wrist heals up okay...I've never sprained anything before...is it supposed to hurt this much?

Around the house... One more way that all things work together for good...packing up all the clutter to fix the floors has shown everyone how pretty our house can be with less in it. Everyone is motivated to keep it bright and airy now.

One of my favorite things... Sunshine. The hotter, the better.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Girls have one more Daisy Scout meeting on Tuesday, I'm going to start ordering curriculum for next year, working on our plans for Memorial Day. And of course roller skating on Wednesday, but I think I'll be sitting this one out.

For Today

How's the weather... we're still being teased here in Anchorage; one minute the sun is blazing brilliantly, the next there's a chilly breeze sending us running for our sweaters. The blue skies are so beautiful though, I just know this summer will be the best ever.

School days... Oh, the agony! The sun is out and the great outdoors is calling--but we WILL learn to read before this school year is over. It came so easily to Andrew, but the girls are not into it at all. I was a late reader in first grade, too, but once I started reading there was no stopping me. So, still trying to keep that positive attitude. As far as Andrew goes, somedays I just feel like he has outgrown his dear old mom. That boy's brain is huge! He is loving long division right now, and seems to have gotten past his struggles with math.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner... Had a late start this morning; breakfast was hard-boiled eggs, peanut butter on whole wheat slices, and pineapple chunks, followed up with a glass of soy milk. The kids are enjoying almonds, frozen tropical fruit mix, and lemonade for lunch, and eating their picnic on the deck as they play in the mud. Dinner will probably be chicken spaghetti, made with the leftovers from the roast chickens Paul made on Sunday. I'm planning to bake up a batch of shortbread cookies for dessert.

I am wearing... chocolate-brown yoga pants, a summery green and brown sleeveless blouse, my polar fleece sweater when the breezes blow, and sneakers.

I am reading..."Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger's Syndrome," a book written by a 13 year old boy about his experiences as a person with Asperger's, and tips on how to cope with childhood and teen experiences.

Around the house... Put together bunk beds for the kids this weekend. I am ready to replace that washing machine any day now, with all the mud that comes with springtime in AK. We will be signing off on the new flooring this week, and hopefully moving forward soon in getting the house back together after the Great Washer Flood of '10.

Favorite tip of the week... I read this one in the calendar my mom brought home from her trip to Bend, visiting Wes and Liz and their baby. "Choose a special time just for storytelling, like when the moon is full. Light lots of candles and share stories. Use a box filled with story starters. For instance, 'I remember when I got lost...'" I remember when I got lost; I was 7, and we were shopping at the P/X at the base in Germany; I was fascinated by the lingerie section, and looked up and my mom was GONE! So, I did what any reasonable 7 year old on the loose would do; I examined all the bras, then moved on to checking out the lipsticks in the makeup section. Whaddya think, I think my kids will love that story.

Plans for the week...take it easy, take it slow. Enjoy the sunshine whenever it peeks out, hug the children, rake the yard, and maybe visit a greenhouse for something pretty for the garden.

For Today

Outside my window... springtime in Anchorage! Aaah! Smells like...melting dog poo. Yuck! Now is the time of giant mud pies and melting snow berms. Today is a cloudy, cold day, with sprinkles of rain now and then.

I am thinking... about the socialization issue lately. It's one that keeps coming up, and it really gets under my skin. The idea that because my kids are homeschooled, they aren't getting enough socialization, just really drives me crazy. My kids can carry on a conversation with people from 1 to 90 years old. They have friends, and they play well with them.

From the learning rooms... Almost done with the O word families. I think Amy is closer to reading than Sarah, but both are really bored by the rote memorization. It's so exciting when something clicks and they recognize words on their own, though. Andrew is working on colonization for Social Studies, and astronomy for Science. I wish these clouds would blow away for a while, since he is supposed to be observing the night sky, looking for constellations and planets.

I am thankful for... this may sound funny, but I am thankful for every darned thing that has fallen apart in my house--and there's been a lot of it lately! I'm just seeing it as an opportunity to clear away the old and make room for the new. I'm hoping most of all that as we repair damages and remodel, we will be that much closer to someday selling and moving. We outgrew this old house a long time ago.

From the kitchen... Fried up some corn fritters and some "French Breakfast Puffs" (basically, doughnut holes) yesterday. It still smells yummy in my house.

I am wearing... a turquoise knit blouse over a long sleeved white t-shirt. Jeans and sneakers.

I am reading..."Children: The Challenge" and still reading Little Pilgrim's Progress aloud to the kids at night.

Around the house... Decluttering like mad! Andrew and Taylor's dresser collapsed yesterday, so that will have to be replaced now. It was all particle board, anyway. I took a bag of outgrown boots and shoes to the donation bin, along with a bag of clothes. We picked out the flooring for the house, but we still have to call the crew to come pull up the rest of the old stuff. Hopefully the next time I write, that'll be done and over with.

One of my favorite things... When kids have their little revelations. I love hearing them say, "OH, THAT'S what that means!"

A few plans for the rest of the week...nothing special. Everyone's finally cured up from the bug that hit us, we're planting the seeds for our garden and anxiously waiting for the snow to melt away. Girl Scouts on Tuesday, roller skating on Wednesday. That's all, folks!